My Heart is Crying Right Now…

…because I just ate my last Breakfast On the Go! snak pak.

If that seems like a detail culled from a George Saunders story, know that I realize the smirk-inducing lameness of my plight. Really, I should not be mourning the apparent discontinuation of chemical-laden, prepackaged trail mix. Yet I am, and hardcore.

I discovered Breakfast on the Go! (BotG!) about six months ago. Maybe it was longer ago than that; my memory is flaky. Truth be told, BotG seems like it has always been a part of my snack routine, but that’s just my hyperbolizing. Really, this was some Love at First Bite action; not only does BotG!’s S’mores variety contain cocoa-roasted almonds, but it includes sweetened coconut flakes, M&M-style candies (not M&Ms), glazed peanuts, granola clusters, and mini “marshmallows,” which seem to be just pure, condensed lumps of sugar. Sugar, fat, and salt: that’s all this snack is, and that’s why it’s addictively pleasing.

My love of BotG! is akin to a love of pro wrestling, or Five-Alive, or Jackie Collins novels. In a word, it’s trashy. Part of me — the part that advertises its fondness for French New Wave cinema and lusts after Chloe handbags — wants to disown these feelings for BotG!. But the other part of me, the part that schlumps around the house in threadbare fleece pants and drinks Whole Foods’ version of two-buck Chuck, doesn’t give a shit. In fact, the latter part embraces BotG! just as it is. Total acceptance! Unconditional love! Isn’t that what we’re all looking for, in the end?

I hella digress. I plan to contact Emerald to determine whether BotG! has been discontinued, or whether it’s simply no longer available where I live. (If the latter, I’m totally ordering cases & cases from Amazon.) I leave you with this parting shot:

Farewell, friend.

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